Man I’ve been busy just working, working, working. This weekend, a friend (from college) that had recently moved to Minneapolis from Chicago came back into town to visit, and his newly pregnant wife asked me how I was doing.
“Really good,” I responded, “I just got a promotion at work, so I’m really excited about that.”
“Who are you dating right now?” she asked.
“Oh…uh…nobody really. I don’t know. I went out with a guy a few weeks ago.”
I shrugged.
“How was that?” she asked.
“It totally sucked. I had to get drunk just to survive the ordeal.”
She looked at me as if I were a sad, sad person, which prompted me to take a giant gulp of the glass of Prosseco I was clasping in my left hand. She was totally judging me.
***
At work last Friday, this guy asked me to speak during this meeting for a few minutes about my new role in the Company. I’ve always been fine with public speaking, and have generally never felt overwhelmingly nervous in front of an audience.
I discovered a limitation to my aforementioned nonchalance, though, when I discovered how many people were attending this meeting. There were about three hundred in the auditorium and then another four hundred dialing in via phone. My allotted time slot of ten minutes was towards the end of the meeting, so I had a good two hours to get myself all worked up and nervous.
When the time came, I went up front and spoke in an embarrassingly tremulous voice. The entire time, crazy thoughts (I think prompted by anxiety?) were revolving through my head. Thoughts like:
1. What if I just threw the microphone at the audience? I should do it. Throw it. do it do it do it do it do it. Or…
2. What if I just started crying hysterically and pushed the podium over so that the presentation laptop and all the other crap sitting on it came crashing to the ground? Or…
3. What if I run away and hide in the girl’s restroom until five pm? I’ll bet everyone would be too stunned to follow me out of the auditorium right away, and then by the time they did they wouldn’t know where I’d gone…
That hot guy from marketing was there. He tried to smile at me afterwards, but I pretty much refused to make eye contact with anyone for the next two hours. I also couldn’t stop blushing, which just made my face feel like it was hot and sweaty for most of the afternoon.
Afterward, one of my coworkers came over to tell me that I did a good job. My boss said the same thing. I thanked them, but didn’t believe them. I figured that they were just saying that because they knew I’d tanked and wanted to make me feel better. I frequently think those sorts of thoughts when people compliment me, which could be a reason to seek some sort of therapy. But. Therapy’s expensive and life’s too short. So. Screw it. I’ll just say ‘thanks’ to the person, and continue entertaining my crazy inside thoughts.
Today, hot marketing guy emailed me to ask if I would mind meeting to provide him with further clarification of what my goals for 2007 will be in regards to my new role. I’m not entirely certain about what he wants, but he’s good-looking, so I said yes.
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16 comments:
I've missed you, crazy thoughts and all.
Welcome back and congratulations on the 1% smite odd rate! You go girl!
More people fear public speaking than death. Good job on getting through it. I was terrified of public speaking until I started doing some corporate training as part of my job. I am now merely scared shitless. Quite the step up :)
Way to not blow it in an amazing and obvious way.
Atleast hot marketing guy did not email to say he wants to meet to discuss the new issues that have arisen in his pants.
What happened to your blog? For a few days, it seemed like a party I wasn't invited to. I almost took you off my blogroll, but always clung to the hope that I'd get on the list.
700 people is a lot. That's like twice as many Spartans fought off Persians in that cartoon movie with naked men. I also think that when I know I bombed, people tell me I did good, out of pity. Be straight with me.
I also have thoughts like that when I'm speaking. Sometimes, I think things like, "If I stuck a pen in that guy's eye, what would everyone do?" or, "I could just knock over all these computers on purpose, then say whoops. Would that make me look crazy?"
I commiserate.
Think Frustrated -- Sorry for the confustion. My template got all messed up so I switched it to "author's only" access until I could fix it, and later discovered doing so makes it appear as if the blog is only open to invited readers.
I'm stupid.
(Come over to wordpress... it's better here...)
I love that you wrote all the things you wanted to do- I definitely do that too, but see, then I laugh out loud at what I just thought and get really distracted and say "uh" a lot until I remember what was going on before I lost my mind for a minute.
Egh - public speaking sucks ass. Kudos for making it through without wetting your pants like I usually do. I'm now officially a pro at hiding piss stains with manilla folders.
In meetings I always feel like I'm a split second from shouting "SHIT" or "FUCK" or simply imploring my colleagues to Honk If You're Horny. What is this odd form of corporate Turrets? I'm glad I'm not alone. Seeing hot marketing guys pecs at some point in 2007 is obviously one of your goals to discuss?
I can't give speeches. I can, however, think up a whole bunch of raunchy goals for you to share with the hot guy.
That was interesting. Reminds me of the first couple times I "tried" to teach a class in nuclear thermodynamics. I was soaked afterward.
I'll take any meeting if the person looks and smells nice.
I'm only commenting here because everybody I know is commenting here. Well, not everybody, but close enough. Um, thanks for having me.
I've given some pretty good speeches, but the one time I spoke in front of 200+ people, I totally bombed. But then again, the topic was assigned: how today's entrepreneurs handle the oil crisis. ...Yeah.
I'm not even sure what you'd talk about but I can guarantee that if you titled your next presentation "I'm Better At Public Speaking Than Jesus" that it would be an automatic success! :)
i always say yes if they're hot, good going
As Dave pointed out, 'they say people are more afraid of public speaking' than they are of death. I personally think it is even worse than 'they' think it is. If all the people who died from public speaking were around to report it what would those stats look like?
BD
Nice to see you back.
How did your Lenten sacrifice work out? Do your pants feel a little looser as a result? That'd be pretty badass.
Hot guy wants to know what your goals for 2007 will be in regards to your new role? Did you ask: "Do you mean in my new role as your red-hot lover?"
Hey - My condolences on Vonnegut; I know you were a fan.
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