Miami Vice'd

I’m back. I got in late last night. Miami is a fun, off-kilter city. I have a lot of work/email to catch up on today, so I thought I’d provide you with a list* of what I consider to be the most notable of my experiences.

*Annoying I know, but too bad. I’m an accountant. Lists are what I do. Also, they’re fast.

While in Miami, I…

(A) Impulsively stopped when I saw a Krispy Kreme stand and ate two donuts fresh off the conveyor belt oven. They were incredible. Prior to that I’d only enjoyed Krispy Kreme donuts purchased from grocery stores.

(B) Went out to dinner by myself. Have you ever done that? Usually if I’m out of town alone, I’ll just order room service or something take-out. The al fresco scene along Ocean Avenue in Miami is fantastic, and I couldn’t bear the thought of not taking advantage of it so I dined out for every meal. The first meal I had outside, the waiter introduced himself to me (Paolo from Brazil), and wanted to know why I was dining alone. I explained to him that I was down in Miami for business. He asked me which hotel I was staying at, so I told him. Then he asked me which room I was staying in. I didn’t know how to respond to this, so I just laughed and pretended that I hadn’t heard his question. For the rest of the week, every time I walked by the restaurant he would yell my name and wave. I wonder if Paolo gets a lot of chicks that way.

(C) Saved the day when the wind knocked a lantern over onto a table cloth at the neighboring table by leaping up in a panic and righting the lantern. Unfortunately, my heroic feat was acknowledged by only one person – the guy playing the steel guitar five feet over. He winked at me when I sat back down in my chair. I’d hoped a waiter would have witnessed the scene and given me a free drink or dessert or something. I love free dessert. At that moment, I was an underappreciated hero much like Spiderman.

(D) Was planning to have a quick glass of wine at a bar one night as I waited for the restaurant next door to open for dinner. In between sips, I started talking to the person sitting next to me, and was delighted to discover that he was a chef at a local restaurant. We discussed kitchen knives for what seemed like hours (because I’m currently in the market for some). Then I insisted that he write down a list of cookbooks that every person should have. Here’s his picks:

Becoming a Chef
Kitchen Confidential
Professional Chef
Professional Pastry Chef
Joy of Cooking
Escoffier: The Complete Guide to the Art of Modern Cookery (note that he put two asterisks next to this one)
Anything by Julia Child
Anything by Paul Prudhomme

During a pause in the conversation, I mentioned that I was disappointed that oysters weren’t in season. He told me that I was wrong. Oysters were in season. After a few more drinks we both exited the bar and stumbled down Ocean Avenue on a booze-addled oyster hunt. We discovered the perfect venue three restaurants down where I drunkenly consumed a dozen raw oysters. The next morning I had a debilitating wine hangover. It was worth it.

(E) While riding the blue line home from O’Hare last night, I glanced absent-mindedly around the train and was shocked to discover a sweat-pants clad pervert fully exposed and masturbating enthusiastically.

The sight surprised me, and without thinking I suddenly exclaimed, “Oh my God!”

This seemed to embarrass him (if such a thing were possible), because he leapt up and exited the car. To do so he had to pull the emergency-door-opening-lever. After he was gone, several people on the train started giggling. It was nice to be home.

You stay classy, Chicago.

-- a chEf, a pErvert and two Krispy kremes