The Office Dating Pool

I think that getting hit on at the office is something that goes along with the territory of working long hours in a corporate environment. I spend a majority of my time at work. Usually at least ten hours a day, five times a week. And I'm single. And maybe a little too approachable.

And I spend a lot of time cultivating crushes on various individuals from the office, but I've never really gone out with somebody.

I've definitely made-out with someone from work, but that was more of a drunken boo-boo. And I was only twenty-two so I don't count that one.

Since working at my current company, I’ve been asked out four times. That puts me at about a once per year average. One man was older than my father, and notorious for looking at pornography in the office until the Company blocked those sites. Another was maybe fifteen years older than me. He was a recent divorcee, who was still living with his wife and kids. After describing his living situation and complaining about his wife for an hour. He looked at my boobs and asked me out (this was at a happy hour).

The third guy was a few years younger than me, and awkwardly made me go into a conference room one morning at work so that he could ask me if I’d be his date to a weekend wedding up in Madison, Wisconsin (five hours from Chicago). We’d only known each other casually through work for two weeks at that point.

The fourth guy is thirty-five years-old and lives with his parents. One time at a happy hour, he got really drunk, burst into tears and exclaimed that he hated his parents. The Monday after that, he sent me an instant message to tell me that I looked pretty that day. I avoid him as much as possible.

On Friday, this guy named Sean called me, said he used to work at my company (a few years ago) and asked me if ‘I wanted to grab coffee sometime.’ At first I assumed that it was a joke. My friends definitely aren’t above that sort of trickery. In fact, every time Mick calls me on my work extension he claims to be ‘Roy from Payroll’ then asks some bizarrely inappropriate question for which the answer, he claims, is necessary to update my personnel files. It wasn’t Mick though. And the guy sounded authentically nervous. And I didn’t really know what to say, because I was sitting in a cubicle with my new boss right behind me, and I had no idea who the guy was.

I interrupted him, and asked if I could call him back. He gave me his number (it had the suburbs area code), and I recited it back to him so that it would seem as if I was definitely going to call him back. Then I went to ask my work best friend if he knew who this guy was.

My best friend at work is this sixty year-old guy named Charlie. He’s been with the company for over thirty years, and he and I first met at my ‘welcome to the company’ happy hour. We were instant friends. Charlie can technically retire whenever he wants, and he likes to make fun of how much longer I have to work. Last Friday he ran a calculation (he’s also an accountant), and informed me that I had slightly under 10,000 more days of work before I could retire. I subtly flipped him off (so as not to offend my boss).

“What’s his name again?”

“Sean ****,” I told him.

“I’ve never heard of him,” Charlie said, “Let’s Google him.”

We googled him.

“Huh,” I said, “nothing.”

“That’s disappointing.”

“I guess it doesn’t really matter. I mean. Who calls somebody they barely knew several years after meeting them and asks them out on a date? It’s just weird,” I pointed out.

“You seem to attract attention from weirdoes,” Charlie agreed.

“That’s probably why you and I are such good friends.”

“Hey! That was a jab at me,” he responded indignantly.

Then he flipped me off.

***
So anyway. I’ve got Sean’s number, and I’m definitely not going to go out with him. Because I don’t know who he is. And he lives in the suburbs. And I don’t like to date people that live in the suburbs, because I’m always worried they’ll try to trick me into moving out of the city. But I’m wondering if I should at least call him, and tell him that I appreciate the gesture, but then lie and say that I’m seeing someone. Lying can be such a useful tool at times.

So. Should I call him back to let him down politely, or is it nicer to just not call him back at all?

I think I might take my question to Liz (Of Killerific fame) at the new advice blog she’s started. She seems full of the sage variety of wisdom. Or full of something at least. Sugar maybe.

Also, rest in peace Kurt Vonnegut. I hope Kilgore Trout is waiting to greet you in the afterlife.

-EEK