I harbor a strong distaste for the interior of porta-potties. I'm confident that my revulsion is a common one seeing as these evil shanties provide shelter to a sinister blue chemical stew tempered with a generous helping of human excrement. The terrors that go hand-in-hand with porta-potty use are ridiculous. Specifically for women and children. The experience for this sub-set of the population is horrifyingly intimate. It involves awkward, no-seat-touching squatting directly over the stinky blue sludge and the clutching upwards of pants legs in a weak attempt to protect them from the urine-saturated floor and the constant fear of back splash. Oh God, the back splash. If thrust into a particularly filthy porta-potty, I walk out feeling violated and wondering if I'll ever find a way to be clean again. After such an experience, I'll often feel compelled to hit the sauce. That's the nice thing about porta-potties. They have a tendency to flock around areas where people are taking part in mass outdoor, booze-laden revelry. Football games. Summer concerts.
The alcohal makes the hurt go away.
I've been noticing a lot of porta-potties in my neighborhood. I think (actually, I know) it's because of all of the housing construction going on. The porta-potties have been around for awhile, but lately they've shifted to the forefront of my attention.
The other night I popped over to my friend Kelly's house for a drink and stepped outside with her for a moment to watch her smoke a cigarette. As we sat on her back deck, shivering and chatting. I glanced down at the alley and noticed that a homeless guy was walking into a porta-potty set-up at a construction site across the way.
"Hey," I exclaimed, "that's great. He's got a warm place to pee."
Kelly glanced distractedly in the direction of the porta-potty and said, "Yeah. He's in there all the time."
"Hmm," I responded after taking another sip of my beer.
Since then I've noticed that there are porta-potties EVERYWHERE. They're always associated with construction sites, but, nevertheless, they're all over the place. And the companies that manage them have fantastic names.
LepreCan
Oui Oui
I've decided that porta-potties are one of the rare cases where beauty truly is only skin deep. On the outside they're typically a refreshing shade of grass green or royal blue, and capped off with a festive name that invokes thoughts of peeing. While on the inside, they shelter terrors so awful that I've been forced to repress and exile them to the worst of my nightmares.
Still, it's nice that the homeless guy has a warm place to pee. Or whatever.
-EEK
9 comments:
I have been at some primitive camp grounds that have "pit toilets". They just dig a hole in the ground and put a toilet on top, no magical blue elixir. After using one of those on a sweltering hot day a concert port a potty is practically luxurious.
I actually had to take my dirty sock off and wrap it around my face.
Helping the homeless with a place to pee is definitely the ONLY nice thing I've ever heard of a port-a-potty doing.
I'm nausiated, from the mention of baclsplash.
I saw you on Margaret's blog. I came to see more Chicago people. Odd thing is, you don't meet too many people who've read White Noise. I think it's on my list of books as well. Anyway, I'm going to add you to my blog roll. Funny stuff here. You should end all your posts with, "You stay classy Chicago," but you should change it to, "You stay crappy, Chicago." Or not. Visit my blog(s):
I Think, Therefore I Am Frustrated
A Haiku A Day
check out my new blog
The booze might numb the pain, but it also requires that you go to the port-o more often. A conundrum.
I've been trying to think of good port-o-potty company names. All I've got is a tagline so far:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
By the way the post was made...you really have an issue with those porta...that's a real rant...
See, for guys, it's different. We don't have to touch any seat covers, rolls of toilet paper - hell, show me a man who says he hasn't tried to master the "complete hands free" and I will show you a goddamn liar.
For us, porta-potties are like bonus public restrooms - and they're everywhere.
pssst. How 'bout a new post?
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